Sunday, July 1, 2012

What's Missing?

It's been a long day and I just want to put on my jammies and curl up with my Tivo.  So just a couple of things.  Don't forget about our first linky party coming your way this Friday.  Why do I say we?  I would never go this alone.  This is pretty much a no rules party.  We're not particular.  Just post something fun for the summer.  Movies, projects, traditions, recipes.  You name it.  We're happy to have you join us.

Now, even though I went to the flea market and found some fabulous things, I will share them later with you because I didn't even get any pics yet.

So here is the real question and the subject of my post today.  My father passed away on Friday.  He was only 83 but he lived longer than anyone would have expected him to live due to a serious problem with alcohol.  You see, my father did not raise me, my mother did, and although my mother and I did not see eye to eye all the time throughout our lives, I never lost respect for how hard it was for her to provide for me in an era when women were not single parents, were not executives for corporations and were not afraid to go it alone.  She managed to do all of these things.  I know she had to take my father to court many times to collect child support.  In my later adult years, he was always dutiful about sending me cards and calling on holidays and always told me how much he loved and missed me.  He only saw my children a handful of times although they are now in their 30s.  For the life of me, I can't dredge up one ounce of emotion for the loss of his life.  I'm not even sure why I'm wasting a blog post on him.  I am more concerned about my step sister's emotional state, because I know she is really in mourning.  He did raise her and she always stayed close in proximity to where he lived so they were very close.  He married her mother when she was four and she is now in her 50s.  On the flip side, I married a man that was completely opposite.  He's a real daddy to our two daughters and would do anything for them.  Since he is 11 years my senior, I'm pretty sure he felt like he was raising three daughters at times.  His fearless faithfullnes to us has never waivered in all the years I have known him.

Has anyone out there experienced anything like this?  Should I feel some sort of loss?  I am really trying, but it's just not there.  I have felt a deep sense of sadness when I have lost uncles and close family friends, but now there is just nothing but a blank.  I probably should not share anything so personal, but seriously this is a very strange feeling that I have.  I'll get back to my regular bloggy self tomorrow.  Perhaps I just need a good night' sleep.

10 comments:

Judy Ann Lincicum said...

This is the 3rd time I've tried to leave a comment, Maggie, are these comments coming thru?

Judy Ann Lincicum said...

I'll try this again. If your father had been a real, loving, father to you, who had vested his loving feelings in you, you would not be having this void of feelings right not. It seems like a very natural and normal thing you are describing to us. He just wasn't there for you to build a relationship with. It's really not fair to you now, that he has left you with doubting yourself, after he has created this situation. Keep looking up, Maggie, I can tell you are a very loving, caring person, and the best is yet to come! Judy

Lynda Bergman Decorative Artisan said...

I love your comments and I've been there, too. It's ok that you question your feelings and emotions and then you'll move on. I think you're being respectful of your "father". Lynda

Kathy @ Creative Home Expressions said...

I don't think it's unusual, Maggie. I had a cousin who died in a motorcycle accident some time ago. I remember saying to my Mom that I was sorry that he died, but I didn't even know him. Not only was he much younger than me but they lived across the country from us and we maybe saw them a handful of times over the years. I think it is much different when it is someone that is in your life than someone you feel you hardly knew. I think it's the same whether it's a parent or some other relative.

nelda said...

My 3 adult sisters and I are not close to our father for similar reasons. The reality is that we already mourned the loss of our father years ago, even tho he is still alive. You are not alone in having this type of situation, but it still helps to have therapy or read self help books to further understand it. Best wishes to you and your family!

✿ⒹⒺⒺ✿@ A Lapin Life said...

Hi Maggie,

I think it's totally normal. I understand how your feeling. If you were close with him yes you would feel great loss.

Hugs,
Dee

Pat C. said...

However you're feeling, Maggie, is the "right" way to feel. You didn't have a normal relationship with your father, and unfortunately, that sometimes happens, with one parent or the other.

I was not close to my father's mother. Dad would dutifully take us five girls to visit her every Sunday, yet I hardly knew her. I never felt that she even wanted to know any of us on a personal level.

I received the call that she had died when I was in college. Right afterwards, I was walking through the hallway of the dorm and told the first friend I saw that my grandmother had died. I vividly remember telling myself at that moment to "act" sad, because deep down, I really didn't, but I didn't want this friend, or anyone else, to wonder why I was so unemotional.

I've never shared this with anybody, including my sisters, but I thought that it might help you to accept your own feelings. (((hugs)))

Anne said...

Maggie,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss.And I do understand how you feel.I am not very close to either of my parents.
(((Hugs)))
Anne

miss flibbertigibbet said...

Your feelings are perfectly normal....he was, in most respects, a stranger to you. So not feeling an overwhelming sense of loss is very understandable. Have a quiet and restful day.

karen@somewhatquirky said...

Maggie, How you feel is how you feel. You have no responsibility to feel any other way. I can't imagine you feeling any other way about a man you really didn't know, and what you did know was very negative. Take care of yourself and those who matter to you - and those who care about you.